just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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