I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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