Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
