can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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