Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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