Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
