my vag is so smooth its legendary
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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