Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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