id be glad to
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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