I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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