I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
