How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she told me i tasted like america
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
