I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
