Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
