Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
