I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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