I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
