she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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