We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
