the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
