I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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