you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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