I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
