She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize