I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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