Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
