I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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