I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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