There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
