It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
