3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
