OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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