you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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