I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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