Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize