You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You can't motorboat a personality
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
