i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
