its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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