the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
