Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My cat gives me a boner
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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