3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
