Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
