Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
