two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just threw up on my dentist
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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