omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
