if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
