New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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