wanna go halves on a baby?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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