Is it normal to miss your booty call?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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