the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm too high and old for this...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
