So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
