Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can text with my tongue
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
