dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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