I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
