Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
