I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
