Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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