I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
