when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
