I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
