I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
