The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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