I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
