So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
