I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
