All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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