suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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