Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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