So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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