I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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