I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
