Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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