Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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