It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
