I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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