i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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