my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
