I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
